Bad Santa

Santa Claus: The Personification of Everything that's Wrong with our Culture.

First of all: he's fat. He puts a "positive" role model image on a negative state. It's not good to be fat, yet he's jolly and always throwing presents around. He seems like the life of the party, even though when you weren’t looking he probably ate all the hors de'ouvres. The state of being fat can make you feel bad about yourself and harm your body. It can ruin your sex life. The fat kid is the one that is always handy to be the butt of jokes. As if it's not hard enough to go through school without any extra reasons to be picked on. Kids that follow his example will find more disappointments in life than the simple fact that they won't be able to slide into tight spaces like chimneys.

Santa’s physical state is actually the least of his problems. He is an emotionally inaccessible pseudo-paternal figure that replaces the true depth of human connections with cold, transitory, material satisfaction. He's a sugar daddy for developing minds. A training tool for the future whoring of our nation's youth. Do what I tell you and you will be rewarded. Do not, and I will demonstrate the strength of my pimp hand (with a piece of coal in it). Is this what we really want to teach our kids?

Santa is solely focused on commercial gain. Emulating the worst of our giant corporations, he takes what he needs to serve his purposes and the rest be damned. He overworks a race of diminutive, foreign indentured servants (read: illegal immigrant midget slaves) in sweat shop conditions to meet an impossible goal: gift the world's three billion children in a cyclical, never-ending, one-year deadline. Amnesty international has declined to make this issue their top priority why, exactly?

Santa has a very disturbing interest in pre-teens, which, quite frankly, borders on the pedophilic. He can be seen all across the world whiling away the hours in his revoltingly lascivious manner, ho-ho-hoing with a small tyke bouncing away on his leg, whispering into his lecherous ear. It's appalling and disgraceful. The man should be behind bars. We could go on at some length about his criminal nature, but in the interests of time we'll just gloss over the MILLIONS of acts of breaking and entering he routinely performs. And who else but a bad person has so many aliases? Santa Claus, a.k.a. Chris Kringle, a.k.a. Saint Nick, etc. What has he got to hide that he's going by so many different names?

And oddly enough, considering this checkered past, he tries to claim some kind of moral high ground. Mr. Claus comes from a supercilious and ethically bankrupt point of view, which seeks to compartmentalize all human behavior into impossible black and white standards. Good/evil, naughty/nice, etc. Is there no tolerance for the ambiguous positions many young children find themselves in? For example, it's "naughty" to steal. But is it worse to watch your smaller siblings die from hunger, or to acquire for them a loaf of bread from someone who may have plenty? I am not making an ethical judgment here either way, but Santa certainly has no compunctions about doing so. Too bad he can't turn that light onto his own red-clad corpulence and consider the wrongs that he himself performs in his twisted machiavellian quest to be the biggest stranger-with-candy in the history of human kind. (Seriously, he makes Michael Jackson look positively normal by comparison.)

Doesn't anyone realize that placing such a blanket duality over everything just numbs the young minds and makes them that much more pliable to accept the nincompoop-like simplicity of a governmental system that offers two choices, democrat or republican; or one country's "just" wars versus their enemy's "genocidal invasions;” or Coke versus Pepsi? Clearly to any remotely intelligent and rational person the items being compared are the same. Are you kidding me? Naughty or nice my ass. Get real Santa, nobody's moral compass has just two cardinal directions. Clearly he's mad; holding everything to such an impossibly monochromatic standard. Imagine how he must beat the elf that forgets to glue wheels onto a toy!

And last but not least is the baby Jesus. What is supposedly the holiest of holy days for Christians all across the country (the birth of their savior and divinity made human), has been usurped by the fleshy, material-centric, invader from the North. Like some horrific crimson conqueror from the land of the midnight sun he comes, driving his pack animals before him, frothing and bellowing and howling, to overshadow the one spiritual claim the country formerly practiced with any uniformity, leaving a material excess and an accompanying metaphysical vacuum in it's place. Even Jews and Muslims acknowledge that Jesus was a great prophet and teacher. Most Buddhists will freely admit that Jesus had most likely achieved enlightenment. Jesus' birth was something that really almost anyone could appreciate. But no, every year his special day gets squatted upon by a big, fat, cookie-scarfing pagan.

For all we know, Santa probably ate the baby Jesus.

posted by goat hill dreamer @ 11:48 PM